'In 2013 I want to....'

I was inspired this week by the New Orleans-based artist Candy Chang when I watched her TED Talk about a piece of urban art she created. On an abandoned building in her neighbourhood she wrote the words 'Before I die I want to....' and then left spaces for her neighbours and passers-by to fill in. She got some amazing contributions...funny, sad, ambitious, brilliant. If you're interested watch it here.

I thought I'd ask you, readers of notthestylepages, what you'd like to do in 2013....

I'd like to be able to swim 200m butterfly (with no break).

Are your parents cooler than you? Welcome to hell.

'The daisy', said my father in law, sipping his tea in my sitting room last week, 'represented a vagina.' He paused for a moment. 'It was too obvious.'

This statement was shocking not for the casual use of the word that makes the world uncomfortable nor his confident assessment of a work of modern art but because it revealed one of the greatest divisions in modern society today and that is the fun our parents are having versus the fun we are (not) having.

Yes, the collective parental unit (‘The Unit’) has emerged from the sucking hell of its suburban bog, wiped itself clean on 400 count Egyptian cotton and reinvented itself as the curator of the modern zeitgeist. The Unit is living the Life of Riley while its offspring groan under the burden of their fin de siecle pension entitlements. And boy o boy, what I wouldn’t give to swap places.

My father in law's psycho-floral observation was made after an art ‘soiree’ (the organiser's word) he and my mother in law attended in Bognor Regis. Bognor is a small town on the Sussex coast with ambition, it seems, to be twinned with Hoxton-upon-Shoreditch. This particular 'soiree' was merely a teaser for a bigger, louder, more shocking art event planned for the New Year. In giving us a rundown of the event it became very clear The Unit knew a lot more about modern art than we did. The question is, how did this happen?

The change that happens to The Unit after retirement is baffling.

‘But they never went anywhere!’ my husband said as they drove away. 'I don't understand. A big night out used to be the Harvester on Grandma's birthday. What the hell are they doing at a 'soiree'?' He had the same problem coming to terms with his stepmother's superior grasp of phone text abbreviations in 2008, and his own mother's casual use of Facebook. He is being forced to confront the neo-social and cultural husk of his own life.

I'm sympathetic, but I'm struggling with the same thing. Here is a series of texts my mother sent me this week:

‘Thinking about buying a new car’

‘Bought a new VW today!'
'It's silver!'

‘Picking up the new car today! Oh, btw, happy birthday!’

‘Am drinking glass of wine in sun, with new car keys in hand. Smiling!’

Now, if I’d ever sent my mum a text suggesting I was drinking within 100ft of a new car while holding its keys I’d have my arse kicked from Sydney to Saigon. I'm almost certain it was wine from a bottle too. No more ‘Kaiser Stuhl’ in a cask for The Unit.

From extreme kayaking in the Ardeche, to summers in France and trips to Cairns for the lunar eclipse The Unit isn’t just on the local art scene or propping up the German auto sector. It’s going global Gangnam style. It's riding the credit crisis like a toddlers' merry go round. Its diary is jammed solid. It might be able to squeeze babysitting in between lattes with gym mates and social networking but don’t rely on it. The saying 'old age isn't fun, but it's better than the alternative' no longer applies. Old age is a laugh a minute and busier than a Manhattan till on Black Friday.

And it's not just about a busier social life and the flagrant spending of our inheritance. The Unit has built a richer role for itself in the community too. One of my mother in laws (I have two) retired a few years ago only to start working for three charities. Three! At the same time! I think, on average, she saves two lives before breakfast and one after lunch Monday through Friday. And that's before the big stuff like selling cushions to ladies with piles at the charity shop. She isn't part of the Cameron Government's 'Big Society'. She IS the Big Society - just her, alone! If Van Rompuy can't fish Europe out of its pond he knows who to call. 

Of course The Unit may read this, scoff, and say 'we did our time wiping your arses, now it's OUR time suckers.' Or they'll plead with us and say 'We were REAL PEOPLE too all those years, you just didn't see it!' Well to that I say it's hard to see the face of humanity when it's glowing purple over a missed curfew or loud music, or when it's hidden behind health & safety goggles and a clipboard. We are being forced to reassess decades of capricious repression of our own artistic identities and accept a new world order, where we are the slouches, the povos, the luddites.

As my father in law drove away last week, having taken pity and brought us up to speed on the symbolic associations between Romantic artist William Blake and she of the daisy, Georgia O'Keeffe, we were left slightly shaken and badly regretting we hadn't booked a table for dinner at the Harvester.

by Katherine Burgdorf

Vagina. Half the world has one

By Gabrielle Jackson

It was in response to the bodyform brouhaha in October that I changed my Facebook status to ‘Vagina’.
 

What happened, for those who missed it, was a young man wrote on the Facebook page of bodyform – a sanitary word, sorry, products brand – asking why they lie about women’s periods in their commercials. Bodyform responded with a humorous YouTube clip saying that when they tested adverts telling the truth about menstruation men couldn’t handle it. They cried.

You can view it here:

Well, big whoop if they cry. I cry pretty much every time I have my period, but it still comes. Every month.

The Guardian didn’t think bodyform went far enough. Neither do I. Because what annoyed me more than ads for pads was the fact that we’re not allowed to say ‘vagina’ on TV. Well, you are actually 'allowed' to say it on TV in most Western countries, but it isn't often said, and when it is, there are complaints, such as when Carefree said the word in one of its commercials in Australia. You can read that story on Mumbrella. 

That illustrates the bigger issue at play here, which Sarah Silverman gets at in her snort-laugh-inducing book, The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption and Pee.

"There's essentially no limit to how often we can say 'penis', 'balls', 'scrotum', and 'shaft', but female anatomical language is a big, flapping red flag (so to speak),' says Silverman speaking about her show on Comedy Central, a channel owned by MTV.

She does admit that 'gaping rectum' in reference to a male was once censored but it's almost always the exclusively female genatalia that the standards people take issue with. Once she wasn't allowed to say 'vagina' because it was too graphic and was substituted with 'genatalia'. ('Vagina' does get through on other occasions). In this instance, it was 'labia' that was about to be scrapped.

"According to the censor, 'labia', in this instance was too 'graphic' and we were asked to remove it. Labia? Fucking seriously? We can say 'penis' and 'balls' until the cows come home, but labia? I asked our censor if this is what she wanted to teach young girls - that penis is fine and balls are funny but labia - your own body part - is dirty? It was not a stretch to me to view this as telling little girls to be ashamed of their bodies, which genuinely offended me," writes Silverman.

 In that case, she won. But on the whole, I'd say we're generally losing.
 

That’s why I thought I should make it my status update. You know, just get it off my chest at last: ‘OK, world, there’s something you should know about me. Not sure if you already do….BUT….I have a vagina!’

That’s what I wrote on Twitter and immediately lost followers. And to them I say, ‘Hahahahahaha. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!’

It’s not dirty or rude or disgusting. It’s pretty much the reason we’re all here. We all entered the world through one, so it’s pretty funny, if you think about it. We’re not allowed to say on TV what half the world has and the other half (roughly) wants (to enter, not to possess). Have you ever heard of anything so RIDICULOUS?

Well, perhaps the conversation that ensued comes close. I’ve recreated the conversation and deleted surnames here to protect the identities of those involved. They might not want the public to know they engaged in a conversation about VAGINAS.

Gabrielle Jackson 

Vagina

Nick and Joe like this.

Helen: thought your favorite term for it is 'front bottom (1 like)

Margaret What!

Kate Gabbs. If I were a boy I'd def hit the "like" button for this one. And no you can't blame angus!!

Gabrielle I am doing it in response to the fact that you are not allowed to say 'vagina' on television. Pad and tampon companies who wanted to use the word on an advert were BANNED by the networks in the US. I am investigating the situation now. In the meantime, this is pretty funny: https://apps.facebook.com/theguardian/commentisfree/2012/oct/17/bodyform-bloodless-snark-attack

Gabrielle But if you think we should be allowed to use the word - because HALF the world has one - you should change your status too. AND Sarah Silverman was allowed to use the word penis in her show, but not vagina. WHY?

Gabrielle I'm glad you liked Helen's comment, Mum, because that's what you called it when we were little

Margaret Oh I know! Catholic upbringing is to blame, the words vagina and penis spoken out loud could have led to excommunication! (1 like)

Simone This is so funny because [my 6-year-old son,] angus asked me this morning if there was another name for 'front bum' & after our conversation with Jess in the Hunter I told him ' Yes, it's called a Vagina". He said 'What? A Begina?" I said "No, Vagina" & he was not impressed at all!! Think we'll just stick to Front Bum thanks! (5 likes)

Gabrielle that is hilarious, sim! I'm glad he knows the proper word for it

Margaret Hilarious! However vagina is not a "nice" sounding word, I wish it was called something else!

Gabrielle Reminds me of the scene from Rake last week! Should we call it a weewee? That sounds nicer (2 likes)

Margaret Thinking about Rake what about calling it a ninny? Then we could have a ninny and a nonny. (1 like)

Gabrielle I think you've solved the problem, mum! (1 like)

Julieanne Wats up with the good old fanny!! (2 likes)

Gabrielle We were allowed to call it that when we were older, Jules

Sheri Foo foo was a favourite growing up... My little guy uses the term weenis because mark calls it a willy and I call it a penis and this the blend was born so maybe the vagina needs to be a voo voo...(1 like)

Nick I had to press the like button Gabs - its not often that's the first word you read when you wake up! X (1 like)

Wendy I quite like fahina - it's also urban slang for 'the boss', so that works for me. (4 likes)

Jenny What about cloaca ? In agriculture I think I recall that was the name of a chicken's bits.

Gabrielle How do you pronounce that Jen? I also wrote vagina on twitter and three people immediately stopped following me, which is more than a little amusing (1 like)

Jenny Clo. Aka

Gabrielle Hmm, something tells me that's not going to work. I think ninny and nonny are currently in the lead (1 like)

Nick @Gabs - re Twitter. Can't believe one could ever stop following vagina...! (2 likes)

Margaret Hey Gabs Fred has just read all these comments and wants to add to them. He says "beaver" and "ferret" are his particular favourites! Both terms should be immediately disregarded as far as I'm concerned but just saying.....

Karen Hilarious comments. Always called it "Wee wee" with my kids. (2 likes)

Eirwen I was born in the city of Regina, in Canada. It's pronounced the same as vagina, but with an R. I can't tell you the looks I get when people ask me where I was born. Hilarious! I love to see them squirm, thinking I've just said vagina!! (1 like)

What do you call your vagina (if you have one) or penis (if you have one)? And what words do you teach your kids to say for vagina and penis?