Women, listen up, stop apologising at work.

By Katherine Burgdorf.

I tell you, the one shelf I hate in the library of Feminism is the one where the books are titled 'Women And Work/Life Balance' This shelf is also stacked with books called 'Can You Have It All?' or 'You Can't Have It All' or 'Why Work and Children Don't Mix' etc etc. You get the picture. This topic in my opinion is eye-dryingly boring. So I'm a bit cross at having to enter the debate and contribute my own short rant but I need to because I might be able to put a stop to it all.

If I seem distracted at any point during this blog it's because Simon is doing pilates in the same room and the fabric of his shirt (yes, it's formal attire for pilates in our house) is making a sort of swooshing rustling sound which is a bit distracting. As is the intermittant grunting. He's doing some weird side to side hip swing that I haven't been taught since I was demoted from sharing classes with him, but I'll tell you about that one later.

Anyway, so I'm writing about the wretched 'We Can / We Cannot Have it All' subject because Sheryl Sandberg, the COO of Facebook, has been condemned recently by every woman who has a newspaper column for writing in her book, 'Lean In', that women should aim to get as high up in the career ladder as possible before having kids so that when they come back to work they'll be in a better position to negotiate their own terms, which will make being a working parent easier. Or that's what I think the book is about, I haven't actually read it, but I have now read about 43 columns on why Sheryl Sandberg doesn't know beans from eggs so I'm fairly confident that's what the book is about. I am going to read it though, because it sounds like fantastic advice.

Sheryl Sandberg is successful, if you call having a great job and being well paid a success. Which I do. She's a woman. She's rich. Do you know what people hate more than a successful, rich person? Yes, you guessed it, a successful rich woman and even more than her, a successful rich mother. Do you know why? No, me neither. But apparently being a successful, rich woman in charge of a few million kids in hoodies at Facebook means you have Lost Touch With Reality and Are Unable To Give Advice. This is according to such notable bods as Arianna Huffington (Media baroness), Kirstie Allsop (Television producer, I LOVE her), and Anne-Marie Slaughter (ex State Dept chief). Apparently the only person who agrees with Sandberg's advice is Marissa Meyer, CEO of Yahoo, who is disqualified from being right because she's so successful she's had a nursery put in next to her office. Do you know what? If Sheryl Sandberg offered me 20 minutes of her time in order to give me some advice on any subject, I'd take it.

(While doing his 'clams' exercise Simon notes we have some Easter egg wrappers under our sofa which is why you should never do pilates at home).

Now here's the thing. Sometimes, if I'm in a decent frame of mine (not often, not often, but occassionally) I also think I've made a fairly successful run at life. I am employed, I am fit, I have a pension and I've been to the dentist in the past 12 months.  Those are the four main measures of success in the Burgdorf family and who are you to tell me that they're not acceptable standards? And while I'm rich on a relative Governmental/statistical type basis I do not travel by private jet, so I'm not too rich to give you my advice. So here it is: to mothers who work, or women who think they might one day be mothers who work.

Don't explain, don't apologise.

That's it. That is my advice.

And here's what it's based on. I work in a stockbroking firm of 150 people. It's an industry which is, arguably, cut and thrust. I mean it's not local council, although ocassionally someone turns up also wearing a short sleeve shirt. If leaving the EU means we can sack people who wear short sleeve shirts then I'm voting UKIP at the next election. I digress. Anyway, so about 18 per cent of people at my firm are women. I think about half those women have kids. But I would say of all the women at work, maybe three per cent of those women are revenue earners (traders, analysts, salespeople). The rest are back office or 'support staff'  i .e secretarial, admin, HR etc). So to take the extreme end of being a working woman in the City, only one has kids. That's one out of 150 people in London and New York. So basically, like, no one. And here's the thing. I know nothing about whether that person has a work/life balance or not. And since she is the only revenue earner with kids...wouldn't you think the spotlight shone brightly on her? Wouldn't you think that everyone saw how much time she spent arranging her life around her kids? But...here's the thing. I have no idea. And I bet no one else does either. I think we all probably assume she gets on with her job and sorts her kids out as she sees fit. And actually, I don't care. And I mean that in the nicest possible way. Whether she is, or isn't, adjusting her work life to make room for her family life is totally unknown to me and simply not of interest. Unless she turns up with a shotgun and offers to kill me, then I'm just going to leave her to it. And the police haven't called which presumably means they don't care either. But my point isn't really about her. It's about the 82 per cent of other people in the office. The men.

Let's say roughly half the men in my office have kids. There has been a significant baby boom in the UK in the five years since we set up our company. Lots of them have photos of their kids and wives on their computers or on their desks. It's nice. And here's the thing. They spend an awful lot of work time going to watch their kids at school. Athletics, plays, presentation days, school interviews. You name it, and middle class dads in London will be there. I think in my school career my parents turned up to a day time event once apiece each. In 12 years. In London, I would guess mums and dads turn up to school events about twice a term, so about six times a year. I have never heard a man in my office apologise for leaving early to watch an egg and spoon race. Ever. I have never heard a man in my office apologise for leaving at 4.30pm to go to a school interview. Ever. And I have never heard anyone question them for taking time from the day to go and watch their kids at school.

Because....no.one.cares.

If you don't make it 'a thing' then it's not 'a thing'. Let's call it presumptive parenting. You work hard. You own a small, future taxpayer, that sometimes requires flexible work time. Deal with it. If you're good at your job, your company wants you. If you're crap at your job, it doesn't matter how much time you spend at work, your company would rather you left and spent more time with your kids.

Honestly people, no one really cares whether you go and see your kid's sack race at the school carnival. No one minds if you duck out at 2pm to see your child play Jesus's donkey at Passover. I promise. No one will notice. Not your boss, not your team, not your clients. Unless. Unless you fret over it, and mention it, and apologise for it, and mention it again twenty three times in the lead up and fifty six times afterwards. And then quite possibly it will be used against you by a backstabbing teammate who wants your job. Quite possibly your charming but sexist boss will use it against you to pay you a smaller bonus. But you'll never know that, because he's not going to tell you that is he? That's a wider issue of institutional sexism. Which is NOT boring, and which is precisely why you need to lean in, as Sheryl would advise, and take his job before you have kids. But institutional sexism need have nothing to do with your day to day ability to enjoy your job and your kids (or indeed your life, if you don't have kids).

Women really are their own worst enemies when it comes to feeling 'guilty' about work. Guilt is humanity's most useless emotion. My riding teaching taught me that about 20 years ago and it stuck with me. Guilt doesn't move anything forward. It's a selfish preoccupation with an issue you're too lazy to deal with. Women are too meek and too mild, and spend too much time apologising. Watch Amy Cuddy's TED Talk on the psychology of positive posture and tell me is doesn't ring a thousand bells. Employers want to give senior jobs to people who get shit done. Women can be those people. But not if they spend four hours of every day explaining why they were factionally late or must leave fractionally early. No.one.cares.

The confusing thing to me is hearing new mothers talk about understanding the smugness of other mothers. You've bred, and delivered a new human to the world. You've reproduced! I read about mothers who say 'before I had kids I lacked ambition / was scared of my own shadow / was directionless' and after kids they say 'I was so motivated / I became fearless / I realised I'm a mother, I can do ANYTHING' but then when they return to the workplace they start apologising for being parents, for having other commitments. They start apologising to their own staff, or worse, their bosses. Or, frankly, anyone who will listen.

Before any readers start howling, I am not saying being a working parent is easy. The concept of 'having it all' is as ridiculous as it sounds. No one on earth has it all. Not the oligarch, not the Vicar, not the FTSE CEO. Having it all is the most dishonest starting point for a conversation as ever existed. I am not writing about the pull of work vs child. That's a totally different subject. I am talking about women who have kids and are working. Sheryl Sandberg might be rich now, but she wasn't always. Richard Branson might be a man, but you can take his advice. Women really are their own worst enemies in the office. If your employer truly makes it impossible to leave work to attend to your kids here and there then move department or move company. It's a marketplace of talent out there, and if you don't believe me, you've obviously never tried to hire staff. If you're good, you're sought after. With or without kids. It is not to say pervasive sexism isn't at work....it is. Having kids very sadly might mean you aren't hired for a senior role. But if you're IN the job you like already, don't make a meal of it just because you do have kids. Men don't. They operate from that position of presumptive parenting. If you need to leave at 5pm on Wednesday's to get to your nursery, then leave at 5pm. If you're 20 minutes late to work, don't broadcast it to the firm. Try to look as it you're in charge, because you probably are. Also try to avoid marrying a useless man in the first place. That would be my other piece of serious advice to women. Don't marry the useless men. And please don't reproduce with them, because that's the last thing we need. And don't apologise.

It really is very simple. There are so many other aspects of the battle for feminism we have little control over...Page 3, genuine equal pay, assault, female genital mutilation. Those are the issues worthy of books. Achieving a happy medium of work and family life in the First World is entirely possible. Just act as if what you need to do it right and, I promise you, 90 per cent of the time it will be, and the other 10 per cent isn't going to matter in the real scheme of things. They are calling this a 'mancession' in Europe for a reason. Men have turned out not to have the flexible careers and skills they can work a downturn. Women do. So get on with it and give poor bloody Sheryl Sandberg a break because the last time I checked being successful was a great reason to pass on some advice.