A man’s guide to knickers

Men: if you see this, keep her (and thank M&S)

 

Speed Blog by Wendy Saunt

 

Men of the world, listen up - you might think you know your lady (gazed into her eyes (window to the soul? My arse)) or had a sneaky peak at the inside of her handbag (and then regretted it - yesterday’s knickers, a broken Rimmel compact and a half eaten Mars should never be seen in close proximity), but if you really want to understand her very being... check out her keks. Here are a few pointers: 

Split-crotch panties: A definite Readers’ Wives wannabe. Upside is full-throttle porn sex (this woman does not spoon); downside is that she wears highly flammable red polyester-mix keks while doing it. 

Re-enforced gusset and gut control: Desperately needs a shag but self-sabotaging as won’t let anyone within a two-foot radius of offending fortified underwear. Ideally, would prefer a bit of notice before getting her leg over. Like, two weeks. 

Cotton briefs with girlie details (rainbows, horses, fairies): Suffering from ‘little girl syndrome’. Check for any resemblance you may have to her father before proceeding. 

Figleaves: A dreamer. Has aspirations to wear them every day but do not be fooled – these are shag-pants only. Daywear is decidedly baggy and greying. Affections can be bought with the purchase of decent lingerie sets (this is not a judgement). 

Bling bling G-string: High-street and high-maintenance. Who wants a ton of zirconia decorating their arse? Moreover, who thinks their arse is worth decorating? Without doubt, going into Tulisa territory with this one. 

Commando: Either fancies herself as a bit of goer or is a hippy (check bikini line for details). 

Marks & Spencer: A keeper. 

Wendy Saunt is a interior designer, writer and art consultant. She lives in London. You can follow her on Twitter @Wendy__Saunt