More than a Menschn

By Katherine Burgdorf.

And so to Louise Mensch, the high profile Tory MP who has announced her resignation mid-term to move her three children to New York to spend more time with her newish husband, Peter Mensch, whose job it is to manage rock band Metallica.

Now the British press aren’t quite sure what to make of this. They’ve lined up a whole load of other women MPs in the hope that they’ll open fire on their political sister and brand her an UNFEMINIST, capricious, media hogging, filthy rich pain in their sides and really stir things up in a girly fashion. Sadly for them that hasn’t really happened, and the papers have been left with a bunch of comments which basically say, ‘shit happens , it’s hard work juggling kids (they’re heavy), husbands (even heavier) and constituents (pains in the back bottom) and good luck to her.’ So that’s a bummer for the Fourth Estate. I would suggest, as others have (Allison Pearson), that you can make life a little bit more difficult for yourself by marrying someone who lives in another country, going on telly a lot, starting a social media business to rival Twitter while being an MP (called Menschn, get it?) and having three kids in the first place. But that’s a 'tomato/tomata/potato/potata' thing. We can all agree circumstances change. Incidentally Pearson also wrote about rumours that Mensch might be joining News Inernational. Certainly a few posts there have been made vacant recently.

But here’s the thing. I have an answer to all of this. Not the ‘life is crazy’ concept - I think we can wrap that one up by agreeing that some mothers are lazy toads, some are brilliant breadwinners and most are just plain-crazy/normal-getting-on-with-it. No, I’m talking about a solution for Dave in all of this. After all, Cameron's the one who’s been left high and dry, mid term, by Louise’s departure. His party is now forced to hold a by-election in the seat of Corby, which was only narrowly won by Mensch.

Instead of letting Mrs Mensch go to NYC why don’t they just get Mr Mensch to ditch Metallica and come and manage Dave? Think about it. The gig’s been left wide open after Steve ‘Blue Sky’ Hilton's departure to the US (is two a pattern?) earlier this year. It's not as crazy as it first might sound. Firstly, Mensch and Hilton are/were bald, so they have that in common. Secondly, and perhaps more relevant, Dave needs to appeal to middle-aged, conservative voters. Well, hang on. Aren’t they a) the only people who know who Metallica is, and b) the only people who can afford a ticket to a Metallica concerts? It’s the same fan base. Peter Mensch could practically guarantee Dave the next election. What’s more, the campaigners can take almost any Metallica song and build the ultimate media campaign. ‘Enter Sandman (only it would be ‘Enter Cameron’) could be played at the conference. ‘Better than You’ could be the general electorate message, and ‘Aint my bitch’ is the perfect song through which Dave could clean his hands of any previous political alliance with Cleggie. I barely need mention the song, ‘Hero of the Day’. No, there’s no analysis needed here. It’s the simplest and most perfect of solutions. Louise gets to stay on running her political nose to the ground, Peter gets to swap the Big Apple for Big Ben, and Dave gets to run the next election like 'Britain's Got Talent'. Rock on.

Addendum: Notice how it is possible to write a story about a female MP without writing about her appearance, or what she wears? It wasn't even hard. Readers might also like to know that Mensch published several novels under her maiden name 'Louise Bagshawe', before her time in politics. This has made her quite rich (or so the papers say). I suspect readers of this blog may not be familiar with her books. She also says she sampled several class A prescriptions in her youth which have caused some mental weather systems in her mind. You say el nina, I say el nino.