I made it! Meditating with monks - day 10

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Cassi, Sayadaw and me in Sayadaw's room

By Gabrielle Jackson

11.34am: There were times when I thought this day would never come. But I made it. I definitely feel happy, pleased with myself and like I’ve learned something valuable. I’ve learnt to slow down, to think about what I’m doing, take it easy – things that don’t come naturally to me. I don’t know if it will last, but I am determined to keep practicing and so we’ll see. Having said all that, I also feel in pain. Very, very bad pain.

4.03pm:  Today I was having real trouble concentrating. I kept thinking about home, which I guess is natural since I’m moving back there tomorrow after more or less 10 years abroad.  I guess it’s natural for my mind to wander a bit today, and even though I didn’t get the full body shivers, I did get in two good hours of meditation, after which I felt good. 

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The retreat went for 52 days in total. Some people came for the full stay. Weirdos. Other people came for 10 days, which is the minimum, and others stayed for varying periods. While we’ve been here, there are about 17 monks, three nuns, eight laymen and almost 30 laywomen. The nun who helped me is from Vietnam. There is another nun from there and another from Malaysia. The nun from Malaysia wears pale lavender robes like they’re a fashion statement. She is bald, of course, but the way she moves with such grace makes you think she could have stepped off the pages of some high-end fashion magazine. She does everything so, so slowly, but also with such elegance. The way she moves and how she changes position while sitting without showing any leg or foot from under her robe is just incredible. I thump around, knock my water bottle over at least twice a day, have to lean on my hands for support and generally behave like an elephant. She’s so beautiful. Maybe meditating will teach me to be more graceful. But I doubt it. I like the nuns, especially the one who helped me. I always catch her talking and having a giggle. I think she’s a bit naughty.

Cassi told me something Sayadaw said to her. She asked, ‘Don’t you ever have ups and downs?’ He replied, ‘We don’t call them ups and downs. We call them reality.’

I am pleased I’ve done this. I have moments where I want to cry with pain, and then joy. It has been hard. Very hard. But, as Sayadaw said, ‘No pain, no gain.’

I am looking forward to a wine and a massage, but I will never regret my 10 days meditating with monks. 

DAY NINE

Did you see the full series of Meditating with monks? Start at Arrival day